Shackled
by xfool
Summary: Mac's thoughts when Harm gets married...ch 3 (Harm's POV) up 7-3-03
1. Harm's wedding

Title: Shackled

Author: xfool

Rating: PG just to be safe

Disclaimer: I think we all know it by now

Notes: This is all completely in Mac's point of view, if there are any mistakes I apologize.  Yes, despite all the groans I can hear, it is a songfic, that's pretty much all I can write.  The song is 'Shackled' by Vertical Horizon and it is found on their cd "Everything  You Want."  All flashbacks are in _"italics"_ and song lyrics are in **bold**.

**SHACKLED**

He looks so handsome…yet so unhappy, as if what he has just done has hurt him so emotionally that the smile he has on his face is for show.  I wish I could hear what he is thinking right now_._

            "They make a lovely couple, don't you think so Mac?"

            "Yes they do Trish.  It's nice to see him so happy."

            "It is…but honestly," she says as she lowers her voice so only I can hear.  "I always wished it would be you and not her."

            I don't know what else to do so I smile and laugh a little.  "I think everyone does.  These two must have been a big shock to the office, especially Harriet who has forever been trying to get us together."

            She gently places a hand on mine, as if she was attempting to comfort me.  "Well," she responds with a sigh.  "What's done is done.  I just hope he knows what he is doing."  Then she gets up and heads towards the other guests here.

            Looking down at my plate I whisper, "Me too."

Will we still be Butch and Sundance or will his new role as husband end that charade?  Thank God I will be out on the Seahawk when he gets back from Hawaii.  I didn't bother to tell him that I was leaving, just as he didn't bother to tell me about his sudden urge to marry the Barbie-wannabe.  I honestly don't know what he sees in her, but if he is happy then I will pretend to be happy for him.  I wonder, does he know how watching him from where I am is slowly killing me inside?  How I wanted it to be me up there with him, greeting guests and cutting the cake, me in that white dress next to him.  

I can't bear to see this anymore.  While everyone watches them dance I sneak out and head home to the comfort I once was foolish to give up.  

**For so long my life's been sewn up tight inside your hold  
And it leaves me there without a place to call my own**

I open my door and kick off my shoes.  Walking into my bedroom I start to unbutton my dress uniform, not caring where the garments land.  I pick out my comfy pajamas and head back out to the kitchen.  There is a familiar bottle in the fridge and I take it out, not caring about anything else.  

The bottle is half empty now.  I am on my couch, the TV on but muted, crying, finally letting out my frustration and anger.  It's four in the morning but I don't care what the neighbors think or hear.   
**I know now what shadows can see  
There's no point in running 'less you run with me  
It's half the distance through the open door  
Before you cut me down  
Again  
Let me introduce you to the end**

I called out this morning, telling the admiral that I must have gotten sick from the food at the reception.  Fortunately, I did this when I was sober so he wouldn't think anything was really wrong.  I don't ship out for another three days so all I would be doing at work is cleaning out my office for Bud.  I quickly dress and head out, desperate for something to numb the pain I have right now.

My car comes to life and soon I am flying down the highway, not caring about the police.  That's the nice thing about a military license and a radar detector.  **  
And I feel the cold wind blowing beneath my wings  
It always leads me back to suffering  
But I will soar until the wind whips me down  
Leaves me beaten on unholy ground again **

I am sitting on the beach in Virginia, taking slow sips from the bottle in my hand, the slight burning it causes in my throat as it goes down.  Oh, how I missed this.  I know I shouldn't be doing this and his words come back to haunt me.  

_"You're not just a drunk.  You're a mean drunk…"_  

"No, I'm not a mean drunk.  I'm not even a drunk!" I scream into the wind.  There is no one around me, and I don't blame them.  I don't want to be around me.  I can control myself, I know I can.  
**So tired now of paying my dues  
I start out strong but then I always lose  
It's half the distance before you leave me behind  
It's such a waste of time**

I just sit on the beach, soaking up the last warm rays of the sun, and I think.  I think about everything we've done and seen and experienced.  And I wonder if he is happy right now…if he is looking at the same sun I am…if he will ever know what he has done to me.  I made sure I wouldn't fall for another guy; Chris, Mic, Dalton…they were all promising me what I really wanted, they were mistakes and I took advantage of the fact that they loved me with all their hearts…and now Harm.  I don't know when I fell for him but I did, I'm sure of it.  Well, no more.  I will no longer seek what  I know I cannot have.  Harm was my last chance.  I think he's my soul mate, my one in a million, but once again fate has played a nasty trick on me.  
**'Cause my shackles  
You won't be  
And my rapture  
You won't believe  
And deep inside you will bleed for me **

_"Every man that's been with Mac is either dead or wished they were…"_  Why did he have to say that?  Is it true?  Does Mic wish he was dead?  I did love him, but it just wasn't meant to be.  I don't even want to think about Chris and Dalton.    **  
So here I slave inside of a broken dream  
Forever holding on to splitting seams  
So take your piece and leave me alone to die  
I don't need you to keep my faith alive**

By the time I get up from my spot night has fallen and as I glance up at the heavens a shooting start streaks across the sky.  I make a wish but I know it won't come true.  I drive home in silence and as I drive I finally make a decision.  I will forget about him.  Not totally, but just in an emotional way.  He has a new best friend now.  Someone he can come home to every night, someone he can share all his dreams with.  I know now that I was just a substitute, that he feels nothing for me.  Maybe pity, but not love.  And I know that I will eventually be ok with that, I'm used to disappointment and the knowledge that I can never be happy.   

**I know now what trouble can be  
And why it follows me so easily  
It's half the distance through the open door  
Before you shut me down  
Again  
Let me introduce you to the end**

I walk into my office, thankful that I am the first one here.  I have two boxes in my hands, both ready to be filled.  My first priority is my desk.  I put away my pens, legal pads, other office supplies and my USMC poster in one.  The second is personal.  I pick up the framed picture of me and Harm from Afghanistan.  We're smiling, it was after we spent the night in the hills and survived the attack, after we spent the night in each other's arms.  I wrap it in newspaper and place it in the box.  I do the same with the picture of the JAG staff at our annual softball game.  My eyes immediately focus on the model bi-plane sitting on my filing cabinet.  It's bright yellow with the USMC symbol on the tops of the wings, and "Sarah" scrawled neatly on the side.  I can't take this.  I don't want it.  I leave it and finish my task.  I hastily write a note for the admiral, telling him that I will see him when I come home.  But before I leave I take the bi-plane and walk into Harm's office.  The only thing that has changed is the fact that he is not here.  There is no more dwelling on the past and I gently place it in the middle of his desk before I walk out.**   
'Cause my shackles  
You won't be  
And my rapture  
You won't believe  
And deep inside you will bleed for me**

I land on the _Seahawk and immediately head to the bridge to meet up with the Captain.  The meeting is brief, just as I expected.  I walk to my quarters and put everything away.  Then I head to the small office that will be mine for the remainder of this tour – approximately six months.  I move almost like a robot until I can finally lock up.  I head out to the flight deck and watch the F-14s take off and land, wishing that Harm would be one of the aviators landing tonight.  I can feel the calming breeze from the dark water as we move on, farther and farther from the USA and getting closer to the war zone.  Again, out of habit, I look to the heavens and quickly spot my star in the millions and millions above me.  That is the one thing I cannot give back.  Harm named a star after me one year for Christmas.  ___

_"It's so that when we are apart we can look at the same star and know that everything will be alright.  It's so that the heavens have a spot reserved for you…"_

I have to leave.  No one can see me cry, especially out here.  Thankfully I make it back to my "room" without  being seen by anyone.  Unable to sleep I turn on my computer and check my email.  A couple junk mails, one from Harriet, one from Chloe, a couple more junk mails.  Harriet's and Chloe's are basically the same… Hope you're ok, come home soon, we're all ok here, we miss you, write back soon.  So I write back, trying to sound like myself.  Then I go to bed, hoping this time I can have a dreamless sleep.  
**Though you know you care**

It's been almost three months now and I can go out to the flight deck and no longer cry.  I'm heading to the mail room to see if anything came today.  I wait my turn in line, thinking about when I can see Little AJ again.  He must be so big.  He's almost 4 now and I hope that my present makes it to him in one piece.  The line moves forward and soon it is my turn.  I am shocked when the petty officer hands me a large box and a few letters.  The return address on the box is Harm's.  
**'Cause my shackles  
You won't be  
And my rapture  
You won't believe  
And deep inside you will bleed for me**

Back in my quarters I open the box.  Resting gently on top is a note from him, simply addressed to "Sundance."

_Dear Sarah,_

_     The admiral told me that you left the day I got back but I could never bring myself to write you until now.  I must say that I was shocked to see the bi-plane sitting on my desk when I returned two months ago.  I know that this must have hurt you and I won't pretend to know how you are feeling because I don't know how you are feeling.  Renee and I had a talk and she knows that she can't get you out of my life.  She never came with me to __Russia__ to find out about my Dad, wasn't there like you were when I crashed into the __Atlantic_.  She is here now in everyway she can but there is a small spot in my life reserved just for you and she knows that.  I don't want to lose you just because I am married.  I love her, don't misunderstand that, but I love you too.  I know that sounds odd but it's the truth.  I am sitting here at the new house looking out the window into the night and waiting for the stars to come out.  Every night I wish on your star that you are safe and that you will be home soon.  Well all miss you horribly, especially me.  Bud won't even use your office, he says it's disrespectful to horde and senior officer's space.  I have to say, we're all a little lost with out the chief of staff here to keep us in line.  Gunny is trying his best but one marine amongst a bunch of squids is not good.  Stay safe out there…Butch and Sundance go down together.  See you in three months (depending on when this reaches you).__

_                                          Harm_

I wipe a tear away from my eye and open the rest of the box.  Beneath layers and layers of newspaper and Styrofoam peanuts is the yellow bi-plane I left on his desk all those months ago, and a picture drawn by Little AJ.  In his picture he drew his family – mommy, daddy, Sarah, Harm, me and the Admiral.  He signed it too, well Harriet signed it for him…I love you auntie Mac! Come home soon.  
**And my laughter  
You won't hear  
The faster   
I disappear  
And time will burn your eyes to tears**

I stand with the other officers on the flight deck and watch as the crowd on the dock holds up American flags and homemade signs.  We are finally home I think as the gangplank meets the deck.  I, of course, was one of the winners that get to leave first.  I salute the captain and the XO before lifting my sea bag over my shoulder and as I walk down the slope of the gangplank I can see Little AJ in a mini-marine uniform sitting on the shoulders of his god-father.  

"Auntie Mac!" he squeals as he tries to climb down Harm's back.  He lifts him up and puts him on the ground.  AJ immediately runs to me and I drop my bag as he jumps into my arms.  "I missed you so much AJ."

He snuggles into my embrace and he whispers, "AJ missed you too."

I look up at Harm and smile, finally able to face him and not feel a twinge of pain.  That's when I notice his hand is bare.  

"Where's your ring?"

"Oh, well," he says almost sheepishly, "AJ had something to do with that.  It seems that he wasn't too keen on having Auntie Renee and Uncle Harm watching him while Bud and Harriet went away for the weekend.  She simply couldn't take him and I told her that he is a major part of my life and will be our kids.  I don't think she wanted to lose her figure, and I don't think she wanted kids."

"Oh Harm, I'm sorry."

"It's ok.  Sturgis and I had a laugh about it over a few beers.  C'mon.  Let's get going.  Harriet has been cooking all day for your welcome home picnic."

As he and AJ start walking to the car I pick up my sea bag and follow, knowing that everything will be alright again. 


	2. The picnic

Ok. Here's chapter two…I didn't plan on making another chapter but all of your reviews have been great so I thought I would treat you… (Oh and I don't own this song…standard disclaimers apply)…enjoy!

****

**MY DECEMBER **

Come hell or high water I am going to make her love me.  Yep, those are my thoughts as I sit amongst friends at Bud and Harriet's, watching her play with little AJ.  She looks so beautiful, so…motherly.  It almost pains me physically to see this and know that we still have a year left on the deal.

**This is my December**

**This is my time of the year**

**This is my December**

**This is all so clear**

Its all clear to me now… I love her.  Not love like a friend but I am IN love with her and have been for some time.  So here I am sitting and watching her play hide and seek with our godson and while I am watching this a plan starts to formulate in my head.  

**This is my December**

**This is my snow covered home**

**This is my December**

**This is me alone**

I mean, really.  Look at me.  I am forty years old and my only marriage that was supposed to last a lifetime was over in the blink of an eye.  God, I'm pathetic.  While I am thinking this I hardly notice Mac and little AJ sneaking around.  Then suddenly I am soaked.  It seems that my marine and her little apprentice poured a cooler of ice cold water on my head.  

            I give chase shouting, "This is war!  Navy vs. Marines!"

            I can hear them giggling in AJ's tree house so I decide for a little payback of my own.  I run to the house and grab the hose then drag it back behind me ready to strike.  I climb the tree and aim, only they aren't there anymore.  Then the water stops working.  So, they want to play like that.  Ok, three can play at this game now.  I put the hose away, all the while I hear them all laughing at me from the porch.  Looking down, I can see their footprints in the grass leading to the driveway.  I grab the hose again and follow the footprints, finally thinking I have my chance at payback.  Boy could I be any more wrong.  No sooner do I strike but I get the wrong person.  Just as I was about to aim, the admiral walks up the drive and receives the full force or my attack.  Oh shit… I'm in for it now.  But to my surprise he just starts laughing.  Of course I stand there like an idiot, most of it in complete shock.  No one messes with a SEAL and lives to talk about it.  And then I hear little AJ's laugh and Mac's too.  They stand up from behind her 'vette and she is grabbing her sides.  Her laughter is like music to my wet ears.  I run around and pick her up.  Throwing her over my shoulder she starts laughing all over again.

            "Harm, put me down!  You're all wet!"

            "I know… this is payback marine.  Hey little man," I say to AJ, "Get auntie soaked."

                He looks at me and I can tell that he is debating about what to do because Mac is telling him not to from over my shoulder.  Then he squeezes the nozzle on the hose with all his might and I hear Mac squeal as the cold water hits her body.  AJ's laughing, I'm laughing and she's laughing.  The admiral is still standing there, watching this but I can tell he's trying not to laugh.

            This is what I love most about Mac.  These moments.

**And I just wish I didn't feel like there was something I missed**

**And I take back all the things I said to make you feel like that**

**And I just wish I didn't feel like there was something I missed**

**Take back all the things that I said to you**

She and I have finally calmed down and as night settles, the adults sit around and talk.  Mac and I put AJ to bed earlier and now she is sitting in my lap, only because there were no chairs but hey – she's sitting on my lap, and sharing a story about some petty officer she had to deal with because he claims that the devil made him steal a pack of cigarettes.  By now everyone is laughing and Harriet is telling us about little AJ's latest trouble-making.  Leave it to my godson to pour glue and paint on all the door handles.  But as I sit here and listen, I can't help but wonder if I will ever be able to share a story like that about Mac's and my children.  Even if it was only for one day, I would give up everything to come home to Mac and be able to put our children to bed.  But it's only a dream.  A dream that won't come true.

**And I'd give it all away**

**Just to have somewhere to go to **

**Give it all away**

**To have someone to come home to**

Everyone slowly starts to leave.  Soon it is only me, Mac, Bud, Harriet and the admiral left sitting in a comfortable silence.

            "Mac what time is it?"

            She looks at me and replies, "11:49 and 7 seconds."

            I still wonder how she does that.  I can barely tell time and I use a digital watch.

"Ready to go?  I'm taking you out tomorrow after our run."

She yawns.  And I can't help but stare at her.  Surprisingly she nods her head and we give our thanks before leaving.  She falls asleep on the drive home and I glance over at her while I am at a stop light.  God she looks so angelic, so peaceful…I hate to have to wake her up.  The light changes and five minutes later I pull into her parking space.  

**This is my December**

**These are my snow covered trees**

**This is me pretending**

**This is all I need**

She doesn't stir as I lift her out of the car, up the stairs and into her place.  I unlock her door and head over to her room.  I lower her gently onto her bed and cover her with a blanket I saw on the back of her couch.  I close her door behind me but before I leave I write her a note…a cryptic message really…and lock the door behind me as I head home.

**And I just wish I didn't feel like there was something I missed**

**And I take back all the things I said to make you fee like that**

**And I just wish I didn't feel like there was something I missed**

**Take back all the things that I said to you**

I check for messages on my machine before thinking about what I want to say to her tomorrow.  I sit at my desk and try to write it all down but then realize that I better say it from the heart and not some script.  Tomorrow is pretty much going to be an over-exaggerated apology for everything hurtful I have said or done.

**And I'd give it all away**

**Just to have somewhere to go to **

**Give it all away**

**To have someone to come home to**

I lie in bed thinking because that's all I can do now.  I'm too excited to sleep.  That little nod she gave me earlier showed me a glimpse of a promise that we may be able to take the step our relationship needs.  Out of nowhere I get a flash of inspiration and I run into the living room and sit on the couch, pen and paper in my hand.

**This is my December**

**This is my time of the year**

**This is my December**

**This is all so clear**

I show up an hour early at Mac's.  Good thing she is still asleep or I would be in pieces.  I start her coffee pot and unload the groceries I bought on the way over.  Finding everything I need with ease I begin.  It's a good thing she is so organized at home…too bad she isn't like this at work…but I digress.  The table is set, complete with flowers and my little poetry piece and I begin to cook.  It's a simple breakfast, just eggs with bacon and toast.  And I no sooner start cooking the bacon when she sleepily walks into the kitchen.  

            "Something smells good flyboy."

            He voice startles me and I jump about three feet.  Good thing there is nothing in my hands.  "Just thought you could use a home cooked meal for your first breakfast back on land."

            I turn to face her now and she gives me a quick hug.  Oh man am I in heaven.  I can still feel the imprint of her body on mine as she heads to take a shower.

**Give it all away**

**Just to have somewhere to go to**

**Give it all away **

**To have someone to come home to**

This is what I want most.  To be able to make my wife breakfast in the morning.  The small simple things that make it all worthwhile.  I pat my pocket and make sure her surprise is still there.  I had to use most of my favors to pull this day off.

**Give it all away**

**Just to have somewhere to go to**

**Give it all away**

**To have someone to come home to**

            The shower stops and ten minutes later she and I are sitting across from each other eating our eggs in a comfortable silence.  When the dishes are in the sink she and I leave.  Time to put my plan into action…hopefully it all goes right.  I know what I want in my life and what I want is her.  


	3. His plan

Ok, here's chapter 3.  I don't think I will do another chapter, as this was only supposed to be a stand alone.  Thanks so much for all the reviews, you are all great!  I'm working on another story so hopefully it will be posted soon.  

Just Keep Livin'! – xfool

Ps- standard disclaimers apply

**It's taken much too long  
To get it right  
Would it be so wrong  
To maybe find someone  
A miracle   
**We're walking along our favorite jogging path in the park, smiling and laughing, just like old times.  So I take her hand in mine and when she looks at me I just shrug and give her a goofy smile.  And she smiles back.  I wonder if she knows that her smile makes me weak and her touch gives sparks of electricity.  She's my soul mate and I intend to make sure she knows.  That's my plan for the day. **  
And all you really need  
Is everything you could never be  
And so you'd give it all  
For a miracle  **

"Mac, let's sit for a minute."  

She nods; that beautiful smile still on her face.  I lead her to one of the benches and sit next to her, my hands still holding hers.  "There's something I want to tell you."  She looks at me and I can see in her eyes that she knows what I am about to tell her.  That's what I love about our relationship…she knows what I am thinking and vice versa.  **  
Is there a trace  
Inside her face  
Of a lonely miracle  
And so you wait   
And lie awake  
For a lonely miracle   
**I try to put my jumble of thoughts together.  She's waiting patiently, and I can see that she wants to say something too.  "You first," I say to her.

"I would have rocked your world," she says.**  
You never really know  
What it is   
Not until it goes  
And if it comes again  
It's a miracle   
I take in a deep breath.  Well, here goes nothing.  "You already have.  Sarah, I love you.  I wish I could have had the courage to tell you sooner…" I have tears in my eyes, and she has them in hers.  "…You're my soul mate, my one and only, and I cannot go on without my other half.  You're my miracle.  I don't want to wait anymore.  Hell, we've technically been dating for seven years," I pull a ring out of my pocket.  "Will you marry me?"****  
But what you miss is love  
In everything below and up above  
And could she bring it all  
A miracle   
She is sitting there in a stunned silence.  My guess is almost five minutes; she will be able to tell me later.  Oh god, she's crying.  I wipe away her tears, praying that she will answer me.  When I married Renee, I felt like I was doing her a favor.  There was no love between us.  Mac doesn't know, but I saw her slip quietly out of the reception and for a minute I contemplated following her.**

**Is there a trace  
Inside her face  
Of a lonely miracle  
And so you wait   
And lie awake  
For a lonely miracle   
**I watch her face for some sign of life.  I really want her to say "Yes!  Yes Harmon Rabb!" but now as I stare at her face, I can see her thoughts.  It's like she is processing what I just said.  And, I hate to admit this, but I'm scared.  I lost her twice; there isn't an iceberg's chance in hell that I will lose her again.**  
All you wanted was a (miracle)   
All you needed was a miracle  
A miracle  
And all you wanted was a (miracle)   
All you needed was a miracle  
A miracle   
I hold her against me, afraid that if I let go this will all disappear.  She said yes…that's all that I can process right now.  I watch her as she sleeps, so beautiful.  I meant what I said, that she was my miracle.  She's all I ever wanted and needed.  I slip quietly out of bed and pull the blankets around her.  It's 0900 on a Saturday but I think the admiral would want to know that his two senior officers are getting married.  I pick up the phone and dial the familiar number to hear a sleepy voice bark, "Chegwidden."**

"Good morning, sir.  Sorry for the early call but the colonel and I have something to tell you."

"Go ahead commander."

"Well, sir.  Er, ah, Mac and I are getting married…"

"About time commander.  We will talk about this Monday morning."

"Yes, sir.  Goodbye sir."

I sit on the couch, my back to the bed.  A sense of pride washes over me as I feel Mac's arms around my shoulders.  She hugs me then makes her way into the kitchen to start the coffee.  This is what it will be like in a few months.  I would gladly marry her right now but she wants to wait.  If waiting means that much to her then I will wait as well.  We both called mom and Frank last night when we got home and we are driving up to see Chloe after breakfast. **  
It's taken so long to get it right  
Could it be so wrong  
To maybe find someone  
A miracle   
**We're in the car, on the way to Chloe's now and our hands are clasped together, her engagement ring shining as the sun comes into the car through the windshield.  Its taken seven years but now I think we got it right.**  
Is there a trace  
Inside her face  
Of a lonely miracle  
And so you wait   
And lie awake  
For a lonely miracle   
  
**


End file.
